It is a powerful reality to lose a parent. Many factors affect your grief process. Had your parent been slowly declining? Was it an unexpected death? Had there been a role reversal of you becoming the parent and your parent becoming the child? What was your relationship like with that parent? Was there unfinished business or an unresolved issue? Have you handled loss issues in the past? What other losses or stressful situations do you have going on in your life? Do you have an effective support system?

While you are dealing with your own grief experience, there may be another gnawing force occurring simultaneously. Your surviving parent also is experiencing his or her own grief reaction. As each relationship is different and each person is unique, your surviving parent’s grief experience will be different from your own. Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a parent.

It is not realistic to assume that you know exactly how your surviving parent feels. If your parents were married for a very long time, the sense of oneness that can grow between longtime spouses may further complicate the grieving process. Your surviving parent may feel like he or she has lost a limb yet continues to feel phantom pain. There may be no memory of life without the other partner.

You have been delegated a dual role of dealing with your own grief while helping your surviving parent with his or her own grief. Each of you needs to work through the tasks of mourning, but many factors may impact this experience. These tasks do not occur in a neat and orderly sequence, and it is common to move back and forth between these stages.

The first task of mourning is to accept the reality of the loss. Some denial may be protective in enabling an individual to gradually deal with a loss. However, forgetfulness or dementia, which can be common with an aging parent, may make the situation more difficult. At a time when you are under stress and on edge, it can be particularly trying if a surviving parent continually forgets about the death of a spouse and questions you about the absence. It may also be disheartening if a surviving parent decides to dispose of all possessions of the deceased spouse. Sometimes surviving spouses attempt to protect themselves from dealing with the reality of the loss by ridding themselves of any reminders.

The second task of mourning is to process the pain of grief. There can be a myriad of emotions. People may experience anger, guilt, sadness, panic, longing and relief. Grief is sometimes delayed. After a death, survivors may be occupied with necessary business issues. Your surviving parent may appear to be fine initially, and weeks or months later, a strong grief reaction may surface. There are often unexpected triggers of grief. One may hear a special song or run across a memorable photograph. A surviving parent may not outwardly experience grief because grieving has been occurring over a long period of time. If a surviving spouse was a longtime caregiver, there may have been some disassociation in feeling that the deceased was not actually a spouse but a patient. Some symptoms of grief can be magnified in an aging parent. Forgetfulness, inability to concentrate and focus, disorganization, and lack of interest or motivation can all be symptoms of grieving. But they also can go hand in hand with a normal aging process.

The third task of mourning is to adjust to a world without the deceased. Many longtime spouses have embraced specific roles, sometimes traditionally gender specific. An aging man may have relied on his wife to cook and take care of their home. An aging woman may have relied on her husband to make monetary decisions or to drive. One spouse may have assumed the role of measuring needed medication.

It can be difficult, frightening and painful to assume new roles at a time when one has less energy and self-confidence due to the grieving process. Some surviving spouses have never been on their own. Their only memories of eating dinner or taking a walk may be as a couple. They have defined their identities as a husband or a wife. Thinking of oneself as a single person after many years of marriage can seem insurmountable. Spouses may have talked about taking care of themselves and never wanting to rely on their children. On the other hand, they may have discussed a belief that their children should take care of them.

The fourth task of mourning is to find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life. An aging parent may be more isolated and may not have a support system of peers due to factors such as illness, death or lack of mobility. An aging surviving spouse may be thinking about end-of-life issues, too, and may have a hard time contemplating creating a new life with new relationships and interests. It is not uncommon to express a desire to join the deceased spouse. This is usually a passing thought. If a parent talks about hurting himself or herself or has had periods of depression, it is advisable to direct that parent to professional counseling.

Considering these factors, here are suggestions on how to help a surviving parent as well as yourself:

Give the gift of patience and understanding. Listen to your parent and encourage conversation about your deceased parent. It is healthy to share feelings and memories. It is helpful to keep in mind that grievers are more likely to be short-tempered and may be less able to handle minor issues calmly.

Encourage your surviving parent to take care of himself or herself. Take care of yourself as well. Encourage rest, exercise and eating healthy meals. If cooking is a problem, investigate home-delivered meals.

Stay in frequent contact with your surviving parent. If you have other willing siblings or family members, you may want to consider a phone or visit chain to ensure frequency of calls or visits.

Encourage compliance with medical appointments. Ensure that physicians are aware of your parent’s and your own bereavement. Grief is stressful. The immune system can be impaired. Alert staff at your parent’s living facility about any concerns.

Remember and acknowledge important dates and anniversaries. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries often can cause grief relapses. Think about having dinner with your parent on an anniversary, but be respectful if your parent declines.

Offer to help your parent sort through the deceased parent’s possessions.

Validate your surviving parent’s continued purpose in the family. Encourage activities such as volunteer work, which can enhance a sense of purpose.

Assess your parent’s living situation to ensure safety and facilitate necessary modifications.

Investigate a support group for people who have lost a spouse. If you are inclined, investigate a support group for yourself for people who have lost a parent.

If a religious community has been an important part of your parent’s life, encourage continued participation. Investigate transportation options if driving is a concern. Sometimes church members are willing to help transport other members.

Direct your parent and yourself to professional counseling if symptoms do not improve. The grief journey is a long one, but, with proper care and work, individuals can effectively transition through grief.